coolcucumber

This is just to let all my watchers and friends know that i've decided to change my account to:

suicidalenzyme

There are a number of reasons for this, and i don't want to get into too much detail.

But i'll be submitting all my old work back up there.

<3

Oh and theres some new deviations too. :]

Ilu all.

So i've been gone for a while.

But i'm backsie.

Mhmm.

Chyeah.

ja ja.

Nark.


<33

I don't know what my life machine is but i'm hooked on it.

I don't know whats causing it, but i just get these freak outbursts where i'm overwhelmed by my pessismism.

Yes i know i can't spell. To be honest right now its the very last thing on my mind.

I don't know what i want, and i think thats the main source of my confusion.

I just know that i have to find an answer.

Even if the answers not what i want to hear.

I just need some kind of reassurance.

ironic, i know, but i just don't want any more lies.

Okay i think i need some kind of help. I'm not entirely sure how i feel currently in life - lost, scared, unmotivated, happy, sad, aware - it seems my mood is like a yo-yo. I know this is common for teenagers but i also feel that somewhere deep inside of me i know there is soemthing unnatural about it.

My biggest concern is that over the past two years i've lost my appetite completely. It started out as skipping lunch/breakfast once or twice a week but now its uncontrolable - i no longer eat lunch or breakfast (not even at weekends) and my main meal is dinner, which i can't help but leave leftovers of. Then i start spending my money on sweets and binging because it used to make me feel better, but now it has no effect - i'm just addicted.

Please understand that i'm not anoxeric - i've always been naturally skinny (fast metabolism) and i'm perfectly (well just about) happy with my body. Infact i've tried to put on a little weight in the past as i only weigh seven stone and i don't think thats healthy for a fifteen year old.

Another concern i get is sometimes i get unpleasent moods - this is when i feel the persona eddy controls me, sometimes it can also be billie - and during these periods i feel terrible - everything is amplified - i become so much more aware - for example people talking at normal volume sounds like shouting so i often get a head-ache. And then another feeling kicks in - a desire to isolate myself from everything and everyone - where i just can't speak. I've tried and its just such an effort to speak.

I'm growing so sick of feeling like this. I really want this to end but i have no idea what is making me behave this way or what this could mean. I desperately want to be "me" again but i have no idea how to go about it.

Could anyone please help? <3

Peh.

What a load of crap.

Stupid computer hard drive died three weeks ago and i've only just got on today. Grr.

But perhaps that was a good thing. At least i got time to think about how i feel.

But that contains so many levels.

At least i'm not so nervous about my art exam. Its on Friday, and two days ago i was shit scared because i really want to do well.

Now i'm not so sure if it matters.

I mean,

I'm not so sure about the future -

I know what i want but whether acheiving it is worthwhile, is completely different.

I'm still getting through all the deviations clogged up in my messages so please bear with me. More keep coming every day - at this rate i'll never get them all done. lol.

*Gargled Glooped De Globster*